Mama, I'm Sure Hard to Handle Now!

It's been a while since something out of the ordinary has happened to me. But by the following reaction by Holly, maybe the "extraordinary" is becoming quite ordinary to me...

HOLLY (text)

You get more wildlife in your house.

LAUREN (text)

It's starting to feel like Jumanji.

My menagerie has grown to three felines that, after this latest surreal encounter, I now affectionately call The Pussy Posse. I briefly considered The Kitty Clan as an option but feared it would lose something when they weren't wearing kilts...I digress.

Back to my story...

I hear an array of noises at my house - chickens crowing, trees falling, squirrels mating on the roof. It's enough to drive any normal person mad, but for someone as cracked as I am? Well, my neighbors are lucky I haven't burned the m****rf*****r to the ground, jumped in my car, run over their garden gnomes and pink flamingos, and driven through their living rooms with "Waking Up the Devil" blaring through my stereo.

Not to imply that I've given it any thought.

So, when I heard a foreign noise the other morning, coming from what SEEMED to be the fireplace, I dismissed it as the voices turning up the volume in my head. (I've been told that's what sane people do.) Unfortunately, all three members of The Pussy Posse heard the noises, too, and were starting to collect around the fireplace in wonderment.

Now, I'm a relatively brave little chickadee, but for those of you who have read my One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest post, you'll understand my apprehension towards opening the fireplace and exploring the "strange noise."

...In my mind, this was a horror movie waiting to happen.

"What's the point? They're all the same. Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act who is always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door. It's insulting. "

-Scream-

Despite the impending doom, I opened the right fireplace door. The Pussy Posse peers in - nothing. Then I open the left fireplace door...and a massive Black Crow pops out!

SIDE NOTE: Across cultures, Black Crows are generally viewed as a sign of death. Be it death of a person or death of the past...but DEATH nonetheless.

At first, he just sat there quietly while the Pussy Posse stared at him. Then without warning, in what can only be described as a Tourette's-like response, the Black Crow lost his s**t! (Figuratively, speaking.)

He started screaming and flying all over the house while the Posse took shelter from the storm, while I'm trying to open all the doors so he'll fly his aviary ass out of there.

Oh, how I wish there had been a camera. Not once have I ever heard of anyone having anything pop out of their fireplace other than smoke. But upon reflection, I have decided that this was a sign...

...a sign that it's time to move the hell out.

~LAUREN~